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Minor league baseball franchises do what they have to do to get people in the stands. If that means hosting Rod Blagojevich Night, so be it. Same goes for food. If people are only marginally interested in the baseball at hand, you've got to give them something even better to enjoy in their seats. Which is where the West Michigan Whitecaps come in.
The Whitecaps just announced their new menu for the upcoming baseball season, and it includes what is believed to be the single most calorie-laden item ever served at a pro ballpark. It is called the Fifth Third Burger. It will destroy you.
What does it offer? What doesn't it offer? Start with 5/3 lbs. of beef -- hence the Fifth Third name. Add lettuce, tomato, sour cream, chili and Fritos on an eight-inch thick bun. End with a quadruple bypass and a doctor forbidding you to ever touch red meat again. That's really the only logical conclusion when you stuff -- get this -- 4889 calories and 299 grams of fat down your gullet. You will get what you deserve.
The justification for this burger is little more than free publicity, but hey, if you buy it (it's $20, total) and eat it all, you get a free t-shirt. Baseball, obesity, corporate sponsorship and t-shirts. That sound you hear in the background? That's the sound of patriotism, friend. Or maybe our stomach is just grumbling again.
Eamonn Brennan is a Chicago-based writer, editor and blogger who should probably see a doctor soon. You can also read him at Yahoo! Sports, FanHouse, Mouthpiece Sports Blog, and Inside The Hall, or at his personal site, eamonnbrennan.com. Follow him on Twitter.