New Year’s Resolutions. You hate them. No one ever keeps them, and making them is a tiresome chore that reminds you every year that you are not the kind of person who follows through on things. It’s a horrible way to start any New Year. Ah, but what if those resolutions were to be made in a satirical manner about certain NFL figures and imbued with a healthy dose of mirth? MIGHT THAT BE AN IMPROVEMENT?!
Yes, it’s time for everyone in the NFL to sit down and write their New Year’s resolutions. So, without further ado, here are some of the more notable ones:
Roger Goodell: Dye hair brown. More people take you seriously if you’re a brunette
Josh McDaniels: Land coveted job at Radio Shack
Tim Tebow: Convince schedule-maker to have Broncos play Texans every week
Marvin Lewis: Retire to Acapulco, drink many drinks
Bill Belichick: Win fourth Super Bowl. Celebrate for six minutes by contorting mouth into straight line.
Peter King: Meditate.
Michael Vick: AVOID THE SQUIRREL HEADING RIGHT AT YOUR PICKUP TRUCK NOOOOOOOOOO!
The Metrodome: Explode
Chris Berman: Jokingly thank self for reporting news tidbit (every darn year)
Sal Alosi: Stand back at all bus stops and subway stations
Rex Ryan: Purchase stock in Dr. Scholl’s
Jerry Jones: Find least subtle way of circumventing Rooney Rule
Donovan McNabb: Learn two-minute offense
Matt Leinart: Just chill, brah! DON’T TAKE LIFE SO SERIOUS!
NFC West: Recruit TCU to join
Jimmy Clausen: Buff Andrew Luck’s shoes to proper shine
Peyton Manning: Throw interception in playoffs, tell everyone, “I can’t do this all by myself, folks!”
Vince Young: Learn multiplication tables
Norv Turner: Stop being so darn assertive with people, gosh!
Yours in the comments. Happy New Year, gang.