Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV tonight that will totally fill the void in your heart left by the end of the Olympics. How will you survive? No more skiing. No more sledding. No more Scott Hamilton. LET’S GO!
THE BACHELOR: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE - 8:00PM (ABC)
It’s the finale! Tonight, Jake makes his final decision. Will he pick Vienna? I never trust women named after capitals. I met a girl once named Prague who was a raving lunatic. Anyway, from my browsing of US Weekly covers, Vienna is apparently something of a floozie. And I’d hate to see a man who tried to find a wife by making out with 40 chicks on a reality show end up with someone like that.
Or will he pick Tenley? Fun fact: Former Citibank CEO John Reed had a daughter named Tenley. It’s what you name your daughter if you want people to know you have money.
CHUCK – 8:00PM (NBC)
“Chuck” is back after two weeks away due to the Vancouver games. I have an idea for this show. I suggest we kill off Chuck, rename the show “Sarah”, and then showcase Yvonne Strapolishnameski walking around her apartment in lingerie and loading a revolver for 60 minutes. It can’t lose.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO RESERVATIONS – 10:00PM (Travel Channel)
This time, Tony is in Ecuador. And man, this guy has someone in every country on Earth who can lead him to the finest cuisine that nation has to offer. Watch. Some dude named Paco will spring up tonight, lead Tony through miles of jungle underbrush with a machete, and emerge at a four star fish restaurant only seven people know about. I wish I knew people like this.
Also, I beg of this show’s producers: Stop putting Tony on boats. He hates it, and it takes away from me getting to watch him eat. No more boat trips.
GOOD EATS – 8:00PM (Food Network)
The Bill James of food details how he was able to lose 50 pounds by adhering to four basic food groups. If those groups are not labeled Bacon, Chocolate, Pizza and Shrimp Toast, we have nothing to discuss.
WHEN WE LEFT EARTH – 9:00PM (Discovery)
Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong talk about the 1968 moon landing. Careful! They’re ruffled!