Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you sit at home tonight and wonder if Steve Jobs really is Big Brother. My goodness, it’s true! He appears on giant screens a lot! And he wears black! And people are slavishly devoted to him! And he’s really into Band of Horses! Just like Big Brother was. Let this be a warning to you, America. LET’S GO!
ARE WE THERE YET? – 9:00PM (TBS) Ice Cube gets his Tyler Perry on as the executive producer of this apparently bland sitcom (starring Terry Crews because Mike Epps was busy) based on his equally bland film of the same name. It’s an odd dichotomy TBS is going to have to address at some point next fall. On the one hand, they’re home to these vanilla sitcoms run by Cube, Tyler Perry, and Bill Engvall. But come November, they’ll also be home to hipster comedy god Conan O’Brien. I guess Comedy Central has also pulled off this kind of eclectic comedy mix. We’ll see if TBS can do likewise. ANTICIPATION: JOKES ABOUT BIG BUTTS!
PIXAR SHORT FILMS – 8:00PM (ABC Family) If you’re like me, you like Pixar movies but wish to the high heavens they didn’t also try so hard to make you weep like a schoolgirl. Well, there’s an antidote to the frustrating emotional heft of the studio’s feature movies, and that would be their short films. They’re all here tonight in one very cool two-hour special. You get goofy birds on wires, tin toys, lamps playing with balls, and lots more stuff that doesn’t involve a very old man losing his beloved wife ten minutes in. Oh, come on, man. HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO CRY AT THAT, YOU MANIPULATIVE TWERPS? ANTICIPATION: COOL!
TODDLERS AND TIARAS – 10:00PM (TLC) It’s the season premiere of the TLC show about kiddie beauty pageant entrants, designed specifically to make you feel better about your own shortcomings as a parent. Sure, I yelled at my kid today. But did I drag her to Orlando and force her to wear pumps? Nope. Advantage: Me. ANTICIPATION: CREEPY!
HALF PINT BRAWLERS – 11:00PM (Spike) It’s midgets fighting. I don’t really need to elaborate. ANTICIPATION: MIDGETS FIGHTING!
TOP CHEF MASTERS – 10:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal Network) Tonight, the masters cook for the Groundling improv troupe, the group that spawned Will Ferrell and countless other Saturday Night Live vets. Susur will know none of those people, and that’s a good thing. I like my chef so focused, he couldn’t even tell you who the President is right now. THAT is how much he obsesses over warm abalone salad. I want that dude cooking for me. ANTICIPATION: HOT AND SPICY!