Power rankings. You hate them. They’re so arbitrary and pointless, especially when they include all 32 NFL teams. All you want to know after a good week of NFL action is who the bestest team in the NFL right now, and which one is the absolute barrel-scraping worst. The one so awful, it could be turned into a Third Eye Blind record. That’s why we have TOP AND BOTTOM OF THE NFL, where we go to great lengths to tell you who’s the top dog in football right now, this very minute. LET’S GO!
THE TOP: Pittsburgh Steelers
I don’t know why everyone is yammering on and on about parity this year when the Steelers have been grinding teams into dust left and right. Yes, they let Cleveland hang around too long yesterday, but then they turned it on and blew them out of the water.
And now that they have Big Ben back, their passing game is suddenly thriving and will be as long as he’s around. Where is the weakness on this team? At the offensive line? Trust me, I’ve seen far worse o-lines this year than Pittsburgh’s.
Three of the Steelers’ next four games are against Miami, New Orleans, and New England. If they win two of those three matchups (and they will), I guarantee you this team ends the year with 13 wins plus. Contrary to what some might tell you, every team in the league does NOT suck this year.
THE BOTTOM: Dallas Cowboys
Let’s give the poor Bills and Panthers a rest this week from the bottom slot. They’ll have plenty of time all year to hang around the basement and eat cold cheeseburger pizza. Let us instead bestow this spot to a team that didn’t have a bye week yesterday.
U.S. & World
Oh, Dallas. Oh, you are so breathtakingly awful. I want you people to savor this Dallas Cowboys season. Uncork it and let it breathe, like a good bottle of port, or some other high-class drink that I can’t personally afford. Take in its breathy musk of failure and ineptitude. The turnovers. The absolutely crushing penalties. It’s rare that you see a team play THIS FAR below their obvious talent level.
They should have wiped Minnesota off the field yesterday. But this is what happens when you spend half the game throwing swing passes to Felix Jones against one of the fastest linebacking corps in all of football. This is a train wreck unfolding in wrenching slow motion. Take it all in, people. Because Jerry Jones may finally get around to hiring an ACTUAL coach next go round.