Ah, prop bets. They’re the lifeblood of the Super Bowl. Sure, any moron can bet on the whole game, or on the over/under. But it takes a truly skilled loser of money to seek out obscure betting lines and waste money in new and diverse ways.
The Super Bowl is the biggest gambling event of the year, and part of the reason why is that no one can possibly resist laying $5,000 to win $25 on Hines Ward NOT scoring the first touchdown. It’s like found money, people!
With that in mind, I took a look at some of the prop bets from this year’s game, and I’m giving you the INSIDE SCOOP of which bets are mortal locks. Normally, I charge people for this sort of information on my 1-900 line. But for you? FREE. Provided you give me your social security number and credit card security key. Now, off we go!
Over/under on length of the National Anthem – 1:50
VERDICT: Over! Easiest call ever. Ever see Christina Aguilera perform? She doesn’t just hold notes to impress people. She pins them down and strangles them until they’re begging for her to stop.
Odds Fergie will dress as a Cowboys cheerleader as part of the Halftime show – 5/1
VERDICT: No chance! If Fergie does dress as a Cowboys cheerleader, it will be as a cheerleader from the planet Vzania in the year 3067, and it’ll be done to a horrible remix of “I Wanna Be A Cowboy.” That won’t even really count. Avoid this bet.
Over/under on number of times FOX cuts to Jerry Jones – 3
VERDICT: Over! Are you kidding? FOX will put a camera on virtually anything but the game. Even if they purposely don’t cut to Jerry, he’ll run naked in front of the camera firing guns in the air anyway. The man can find a camera much better than a decent second-round draft pick.
Odds LeBron scores more first half point versus the Clippers than the Packers score in the first half – -115
VERDICT: Confused! I wasn’t expecting basketball involved in my football betting. I don’t know what any of it means.
Odds Green Bay crosses the 50-yard line first – -120
VERDICT: Bet it! The Steelers will be too distracted by all those cutaways to Favre and Jerry Jones.
Odds the first first down of the game will be a run – +160
VERDICT: Bet it! You think the first first down will be a pass. THAT’S HOW FOOTBALL TRICKS YOU!
So those are our prop locks for the game. Bet the way I tell you, and you’re sure to lose no less than $600, which will make for a great story at the soup kitchen line. FEEL THE SUPER FEVER, GAMBLING AMERICA!