The Oughts are almost over, and when I look back on 2009, I’m struck by one thing: What a boring way to close out a decade.
A-Rod had his little steroid admission and Tiger got caught with a blonde or 12, but as far as scandal goes, the year was nearly a total loss. Not even Terrell Owens could get up the energy to play the brat.
The good news is it’s over. Ahead of us lies a brand new year in which everything possible. Instead of looking back at did happen last year, we can look ahead and imagine what can happen in 2010.
My perfect year that hasn’t happened yet features Tiger back on the golf course and out of the sex addiction clinic. Get the divorce, shovel a ton or two of money at the ex, make sure to do the right thing by the kids, then grab the bag and go hit some balls.
Quite frankly, none of us really care what any athlete’s psychological problems are, not even Tiger’s. We’ve got our own to worry about, and no matter how bad they are, no famous athlete is going to call us to find out if we’re going to go into therapy. So if Tiger doesn’t care about my addiction to Chevy Chase films, I’m not going to care about his sex problems.
We need to see the transition from Prince Hamlet to golfer no later than the Masters. His job is to play golf for our entertainment. The sooner he gets back to that, the better for everybody.
The Vancouver Games are almost upon us, and I have an Olympic wish, too. It is this: Please, Santa, no drug scandals, but, if it’s not asking too much, could we have a judging controversy in figure skating? It wouldn’t be a Winter Olympics without one. A medal for Bode Miller wouldn’t be bad, either.
I want to see Danica Patrick atop the awards podium again. One win in Japan two years ago is nice, but isn’t it about time for another? Indy would be best, but anywhere would be acceptable. Any time you’re better known for your commercials than your wins, you’re not getting the job done.
We need a new address for Terrell Owens, who went to Buffalo and became boring. He’s got a couple of years and more than a few tantrums left in him, but he’s got to hook on with a team good enough for him to screw up.
I’m aware a lot of people think the sooner T.O. takes his job among the 143 analysts on ESPN the better. But after T.O. leaves, who’s going to take his place as the entertaining sideshow? We need guys like him.
Speaking of guys like T.O., I see another year for Brett Favre. I’m not sure this is on my wish list for 2010, but there’s little to do about it. Favre’s like mold in a damp basement. No matter what you do, it’s never going away.
If it’s not asking too much, I’d like to see something nice happen in Cleveland. Other towns have been slapped around by fate and the economy, but none have been so unlucky in sports. It will be 46 years since Cleveland last had a sports champion. Detroit and Pittsburgh have had multiple champions in multiple sports in that time. Even Cincinnati and Kansas City have won World Series in that time.
The only team with a shot at breaking that run is the Cavs. What Cleveland doesn’t need is another almost-title run in the NBA and then seeing LeBron trundle off to Manhattan to play for the Knicks. That would be the unkindest cut of all.
Some might wish for a championship for the Cubs, but not I. In 2008, the Cubs entered a second century of losing. It’s gotten to the point where the losing streak is of more significance than a title could ever be. So keep it going, Cubbies. And always know that lose or lose some more, I won’t be there cheering for you.
I also don’t wish another championship on the Yankees, much as I admire the character of the rebuilt team. And I don’t want Boston, either. They’ve had their two titles, and it’s time for someone else to win. How about somebody totally new like Colorado or Texas?
Please give us a Heisman Trophy winner we can believe in, and not another forgettable race among players who aren’t ever going to amount to anything in the pros. It’s been a long time since the Heisman went to a true legend. It would be nice if we could have one again.
I don’t have to ask for anything in tennis because I know that Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer and the Williams sisters will keep cranking out thrill after thrill after thrill. Remind me to take a moment to appreciate their greatness before they’re gone.
This is also the nice thing about the NFL playoffs and NCAA’s March Madness: You don’t have to wish for anything. Just sit back and watch the show, because you know it’s going to be good.
Here’s a wish for the New Year that doesn’t have a chance of coming true, but I’ll wish it just the same. Wouldn’t it be great if all fans who want to take their kids to a ballgame could afford the price of the tickets because they have jobs and health insurance and food to eat and a roof over their heads?
Yeah, I know: wishful thinking. But it’s my wish and I’m standing by it.
Finally, this isn’t a wish but a command: May 2010 be a great year for everyone, even Scott Boras.