Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks, Feb. 2, 2014

How to Avoid Tebowmania

Four things you can do

By Drew Magary
|  Sunday, Feb 3, 2013  |  Updated 3:17 PM PDT
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How to Avoid Tebowmania

AP

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow (15) prays on the sidelines during the third quarter of an NFL wild card playoff football game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Sunday, Jan. 8, 2012, in Denver. (AP Photo/Joe Mahoney)

I've noted this before, but it bears repeating: People who root against Tim Tebow don't necessarily root against him because they dislike HIM, but because they dislike the mile-wide lava flow of mass-media afterbirth that accompanies all of his travails.

Taken on its own, it was a BLAST watching Tebow and the Broncos upset the Steelers yesterday. Even a filthy liberal secular fellow like myself was left dazzled.

HOWEVER, now comes the horrible part. Now comes a full week of breathless Tebow banter the likes of which the world has never seen. Think Brett Favre was overcovered? CHILD'S PLAY. That was merely a practice round for what's to come. There's really no limit to the media hyping atrocities that are about to be committed. I suggest you take shelter in an underground bunker stocked with unlimited canned goods and dried biltong. If that's not an option for you, consider these drastic measures:

1. AVOID ESPN. This sounds relatively easy, given that ESPN is horrible now. But you'd be amazed at the ways ESPN can sink into your life without you even knowing it. They've put ESPN into everything: other channels, your radio, most gluten-free food products. You can't avoid it. I can't tell you the number of times I set out to deliberately avoid ESPN, only to somehow end up with Mike Greenberg yipping at me in my car. ESPN will be AWFUL this week. They're gonna go all out. They already had a TebowCenter hourlong special. There's no reason they won't allow a full Tebow takeover of the network for the next 96 hours, ala ALTV. Just keep your head down and try to avoid all things ESPN related. If you suddenly begin hearing Colin Cowherd's voice at some sports bar, FLEE.

2. DO NOT GO TO CHURCH. Take it from someone who goes to church once a year and heard about Tebow the ONE TIME he went over the holidays: You will not find asylum from Tebow hype in a church. Churches couldn't be happier that a churchgoer is finally making some waves.

3. AVOID TALKING TO PEOPLE AROUND WATER COOLERS AND IN GYM LOCKER ROOMS. Those are two places where people talk about general subjects as a way of wasting time and as a way of desperately seeking temporary companionship. This is the kind of place that harbors a nasty strain of Tebowmania, the kind bereft of anything resembling real football discourse. "Did you know he's religious and stuff?" WE'RE WAY PAST THAT, BILL.

4. ABSINTHE. You won't know a thing about Tebow or even your own name once the "green fairy" arrives.

So there are your marching orders. Do what you can. Avoid the contagion.

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