Things Named Bill Could Ruin Your Weekend

Hurricane, ex-president slated to wreak havoc on American psyche

By Sara K. Smith
|  Thursday, Aug 20, 2009  |  Updated 2:14 AM PDT
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Incorrigible hound dog Bill Clinton will take his romancing skills -- and his wife -- to Bermuda this weekend.

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What's grosser than gross? Bill and Hillary Clinton jetting away to Bermuda this weekend, marking 30 years since their daughter's conception on this very same island.

What's grosser than that? Their reputed desire to stay at the same cottage colony where, reportedly, 30 years ago, the act transpired that resulted in one of America's most famous only children.

And what's even grosser than that? Bill and Hillary's decision to stay instead at a "plush, adult-only resort [that] has a 'clothing optional' sky deck and occasionally hosts sex seminars to improve couples' relationships."

In sum, the Clintons seem determined to ruin everybody's weekend by taking an icky vacation to an island we all would prefer to just think of as the place where a handful of Chinese Muslims spend their days going for chaste swims in tee shirts.

Meanwhile, another Bill stands poised to rain, literally, on whatever parades might transpire along the Eastern seaboard. Hurricane Bill, now a Category 4 storm, could get even worse as it hits warmer waters in the Atlantic.

Some meteorologists expect it to pass "well offshore of the North Carolina-Virginia line," but should it stick close to the continent it could very easily ruin the current president's fancy vacation on Martha's Vineyard.

President Obama and his wife are not, thank goodness, going anywhere near some posh nudist sex-den for Baby Boomers in need of couples counseling. They're staying put on a 28-acre property with access to the distinctly unsexily named Squibnocket Beach.

But will the tasteful Obama family nonetheless be punished by Weather Gods who want to toss a frightening hurricane their way rather than see them enjoy a weekend off?

Experts agree it's too soon to tell. But one thing is for certain: Bills are nothing but trouble.

"Sexologist to the Stars" Sara K. Smith writes for NBC and Wonkette.

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