Please give this child a microphone and set him free on the sidelines. For America, who's had nothing better to watch so far in its soccer team.
No other sport has provided so much jaw-dropping, laugh-out-loud entertainment as soccer. That's probably because the whole world loves it, and we all know foreigners are hilarious.
Just in the last few months, in fact, the beautiful game has provided many beautiful moments: A mascot punching a player in a face during a Norwegian match. The Scottish defender injured while microwaving poached eggs. A small matter of a Tasmanian player exposing himself during a broadcast. The Brazilian player accidentally set on fire during a championship celebration, who admirably kept celebrating despite being set on fire.
Now added to the list: one glorious ginger kid, just trying to survive the heat at the Confederations Cup in South Africa, and consumed by the madness of the game.
Judging from his technique, this is not this little boy's first day on the job as an international ice cream hooligan.
Note the employment of the "Zamboni Finger," one resurfacing swipe of which ensures maximum ice cream application to the forehead.
In his beady little eyes is the zeal of committing fully to the endeavor, and the satisfaction of a job well done. (Take notes, Landon Donovan.)
It's indicative of the US National Team's play so far that Ice Cream Kid is getting more attention stateside than they are. The team has managed to advance to the second round despite feebly winning only 1 of 3 in group play. With flat-footed losses to Italy and Brazil, the US' sole victory came at the expense of Egypt, who blamed their early exit on prostitutes.
That wasn't the Egyptians' only problem, however: their hotel rooms were burgled, raising concerns about next summer's South African World Cup. FIFA says they aren't worried about security in 2010, but they have been giving away -- and giving and giving and giving away -- tickets to Cup games. Are the futbol faithful just saving up for the bigger tournament, or are even pugilistic and stabby international soccer fans nervous about South Africa's crime rate, or put off by the lack of infrastructure? Probably both.
But at least one brave kid was there, popsicle in hand, to make the warm-up tourney worthwhile.
Janie Campbell feels like rubbing ice cream on her face just watching soccer on TV in this Florida heat. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.