Gossip Girl: Party in the U.E.S.

What the ...?

Tuesday, Oct 6, 2009  |  Updated 5:30 AM PDT
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Serena is a total moron this week -- and she can't actually explain herself and just keep tossing around nonsense phrases about "finding herself."

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What the ...?

An episode with all the ingredients of awesomeness -- from momentum on Blair's amazing Big Fish/Big Pond arc to Serena's continued inability to do anything sensible -- turned out to be the lamest story since last season's epic stinker "Carrnal Knowledge." But I mean seriously, you got Little J turning into the ice queen of Constance with no warning, and Tyra Banks acting like the usual mess she is, and you got Lizzie Montana over here wanting to snatch off her wig...

Here's what went down: Blair was alerted by old guard headband brigade at Constance that Queen J was preaching anarchy and whatnot, so Blair -- still surrounded by the social white noise that has been driving her nuts all year -- goes down there to quell the rebellion, reinstall the monarchy, and pretend she has any friends whatsoever.

Chuck is grossed out, so he takes Little J to this movie premiere in order to shift the balance of power back to Little J, while making sure Blair gets the message that she is special all on her own, while going back to your high school makes you the worst.

This premiere in question is for the new movie starring Tyra Banks's character, let's call her Wyra Franks, and Hillary Duff's character, let's call her Blizzie McShmier, They don't actually matter at all, beyond how difficult they are to watch be on this show. Dan meets Blizzie, who is also Vanessa's roommate, only she tells him her name is Kate, because...

Notting Hill. That's all you need.

Meanwhile, Serena becomes friends with Wyra Franks by using all her Blair-babysitting skillz. Lily is not impressed by this fake publicist job because of course now that she's home she's not giving up on the dream of Brown. Because Serena is a total moron this week, she can't actually explain herself and just keep tossing around nonsense phrases about "finding herself," which Lily is not hearing, because it's still stupid.

So Blair throws her annual sleepover, but it's ruined by A) being creepy and B) the Chuck/Jenny fake date, which puts Jenny back as the Constance Queen, which she's suddenly cool with. Vanessa and Blizzy are roomies and she's going to be around for like seven episodes. Um, I think Serena is still a publicist working for this ugly pointy girl with spooky pale eyes, because she introduced Tyra Banks to her true self. Scott is in Boston and I guess dating Georgina, who joined him there a week ago. God, did anything else happen? It was so awful, dudes. Oh, but next week looks amazing: G brings Scott back to NYC in order to break up Dan and Hillary Duff... Just in time to ruin Rufus and Lily's wedding.

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