Kendall Jenner is still grappling with her father's transition.
The supermodel landed the cover of Vogue's coveted September issue. In the story accompanying her photo spread, Jenner opens up about Caitlyn Jenner.
In the year since the former Olympian sent shock waves through pop culture with her Vanity Fair cover, Caitlyn's daughter said she still experiences painful moments that take her back to her childhood.
in a room with a bunch of people I love, looking at this cover made me cry. I FUCKING DID IT. SEPTEMBER VOGUE. this is the coolest thing ever! can't thank you enough Anna, for giving me the honor. @voguemagazine’s September issue, photographed by @mertalas and @macpiggott and styled by @tonnegood! See the cover story and photos in the link in my bio. ❤️
A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on
"It's super ironic to think about now, but it's something I can thank my dad for: how much of a tomboy I was," she said. "That's why I think the whole thing — her transition — was really hard for me, because I was like, 'But you taught me everything tomboy!'"
And although the 20-year-old admits everything is "super normal" and "not weird at all" between her and Caitlyn, she said coming to terms with the transition can be difficult.
"Sometimes I look at a picture of my dad when she was a guy, and it makes me a little sad," she told Vogue. "You have to get past it — you've got a new person to love. It's kind of a blessing in disguise."
Jenner — who the interviewer points out sometimes mixes up gender pronouns when referring to Caitlyn — said her father's transition shifted the way the model sees the world.
"I want to be careful about how I say this because I don't want it to come off wrong, because I've never said this out loud, but I have recently... even when I say 'him' or 'her' about someone who is clearly a guy or clearly a girl — even with my mom — I second-guess it now because of my dad," Jenner explains.
But as everyone else was finding out about Caitlyn's identity for the first time, Kendall Jenner said her and younger sister Kylie knew for quite a while.
"My whole life we would, like, catch her, and we would be like, 'What is going on here? I think we know, but do we?'" Jenner said. "At one point Kylie and I thought he was cheating on my mom, because he had makeup and nail polish. One time we found those squishy boob things."
Jenner details one run-in with Caitlyn that went unmentioned in the years that followed.
"She would wake up really early just so she could dress up and move around the house and get that little kick for the morning, and then go back to being Bruce —take us to school, totally normal," Jenner said.
"So one morning I woke up at 4:00 a.m. so thirsty, came downstairs into the kitchen, and grabbed a bottle of water. And as I was coming back out, my dad was coming down the stairs in, like, a wig and makeup and shoes, the full nine. And she didn't see me. I literally froze. Please don't turn left. Because she could either turn left or turn right. Thank God she turned right and--to this day!--has no idea that happened. That was the first time I had ever seen her," Jenner said.
Jenner claims her mom Kris Jenner was fully aware of Caitlyn's behavior behind closed doors.
"My mom knew. She knew since their third date," Jenner said.
Despite the ups and downs, the E! reality star maintains the importance of acknowledging the bad but focusing on the good.
"We're very accepting of people and of being different and being who you are," Kendall Jenner said. "We're not judgmental. But obviously it's strange having your dad, who was so male, completely reverse. It is definitely a gnarly experience."