Scandal-Plagued "Housewife" May Run for N.J. Congress

By Mindy Monez
|  Monday, Jun 29, 2009  |  Updated 12:52 PM PDT
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Danielle Staub knows this world intimately, and will work to bridge the gap between the nation's most misjudged businessmen and Jersey's figurative Main Street.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub might run for Congress, everybody! That is such a good idea! Though it is kind of bittersweet, because it looks like all her dirt has already been dug up. So backwards -- that's supposed to happen once you're already in office, lady! But no matter. She's going to be a fantastic representative of fine politics for me to poop on. Let's take a gander at all the urgent things she will promise to take care of for the citizens of New Jersey when she runs.

Healthcare Providers Will Cover Botox
Because when you're a 48-year-old woman without an income outside of your reality show paycheck, two kids to feed, and an ex-husband who keeps claiming your divorce settlement check is in the mail when it is most certainly not, you can't afford certain essentials like face poison. Congress must ease this hardship on American women now.

Public Lewdness in Bathrooms is a God-Given Right
Much like the Americans with Disabilities Act required businesses to have a handicapped stall for the good of Americans, so will the Americans You Can't Effing Take Anywhere Act require an additional stall for sexual activities to be added to the bathrooms of all New Jersey fine dining establishments.

Table-Flipping Will Be Added to all Hate Crime Legislation
Citizens, this is an imminent threat to all alleged "prostitution whores," as she was called by fellow a "Housewife" on the show. Clearly, they need special protection under the law, and Danielle Staub is the gal for the job.

All Deadbeat Dads and/or Alimony-Withholding Ex-Husbands Will Be Sentenced to Work Release with the Manzo Family
Where they will be subjected to an endless variety of deserved chores: Washing Dina's hairless cat, getting waxed by Caroline's daughter, being lent out to Teresa's husband to bury dead bodies in their odd-smelling basement, etc., etc.

Phone Sex Subsidies for Wireless Carriers
For too long we have been paying exorbitant prices to have phone sex with purported Gucci models, and that is not what the Framers had in mind.

In a Related Issue, Abstinence Education in Schools Will be Replaced by Phone Sex Education
It is the safest kind of sex, and our children need to know this.

Improve New Jersey's Relations with Colombian (Cartels)
They have been tenuous/non-existent at best under the current administration, and largely relegated to the underground world of organized crime. Danielle Staub allegedly knows this world intimately, and will work to bridge the gap between the nation's most misjudged businessmen and Jersey's figurative Main Street.

Library Funding Slashed!
A vote for Danielle Staub is a vote for keeping out-of-print books about you being a so-called "prostitution whore" out of gossipers' hands.

And Finally, Prostitute Licenses for All Who Work for Them
No longer will these indispensable members of society be treated like second class citizens who kidnap and threaten people when their coke deals get botched. The licenses will be like a badge of honor, and a daunting shield in the minds of would-be table tossers and library frequenters.

I could do this all day. Can't wait to wear my "Vote Staub!" button with pride. On election day I'm going to be front and center in her district, basically reenacting that scene from Gangs of New York where they make everybody they find on the street vote, then get a haircut, then vote again, then put a different hat on, then vote again, then put an Indian headdress on, then vote again, then I'm going to dig up every dead body in the area, drag each one up to the voting booth to vote, give it a haircut, drag it up to vote again... you get it. I really want her in Congress.

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