LOS ANGELES, CA - JANUARY 10: Actress Roseanne Barr signs copies of her new book 'Roseannearchy' at Barnes & Noble bookstore at The Grove on January 10, 2011 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Dr. Billy Ingram/WireImage)
Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and smoke the brisket. LET’S GO!
ROSEANNE’S NUTS – 9:00PM (Lifetime) It’s been a while since we last heard from Roseanne. Does she still just go by Roseanne? Did she put the “Barr” back in her name? Perhaps her name should be changed to some kind of high-pitched droning sound. Anyway, Roseanne’s back on TV tonight with this Lifetime reality sitcom in which she takes over a macadamia nut (get it? Roseanne’s nuts?) and livestock farm in Hawaii. It’s like “The Simple Life,” only with Roseanne instead of Paris and Nicole. I don’t really know which is the lesser of two evils. Roseanne has been doing a lot of press for this show, and it’s fun to read her interviews because she’s so clearly nutty, and yet everything she says about how awful Hollywood is pretty much feels like it’s 100% true. Not all crazy people tell lies. ANTICIPATION: ROSEANNEY!
ESPY AWARDS – 9:00PM (ESPN) ESPN’s annual obscene celebration of itself happens tonight. And for extra smarm, they’ve imported Seth Meyers to be the host. Those Favre jokes won’t write themselves. For alternate sports programming, there’s a Curt Flood documentary over on HBO at the same time. That will be gooder than this. ANTICIPATION: LOW!
DANCE MOMS – 10:00PM (Lifetime) Lest you take this new show’s title to heart and think it’s about moms who dance, think twice. The dancers in question are actually a group of young ladies under the tutelage of dance instructor Abby Lee Miller, and the moms in question are the horrible, awful stage mothers who will do anything to make sure their little hoofer reaches the top. Expect many a Barbara Hershey/Natalie Portman dynamic to the festivities. ANTICIPATION: BLACK SWANS!
ONE MAN ARMY – 10:00PM (Discovery) Another new show. This one hosted by Myke Hawke (I swear that’s his name. He should be in a band with Zakk Wylde), and it features four crack military operatives competing in challenges to win a $10,000 prize. Only $10,000? Jeez, even on reality shows, our people in the armed forces are underpaid. ANTICIPATION: GET OFF OF MY OBSTACLE!
RESCUE ME – 10:00PM (FX) It’s the final season of Denis Leary’s festival of manly trash-talking and serious drinking scenes. Will Tommy Gavin ever change his ways? Would this show still exist if he did? ANTICIPATION: GLUG GLUG GLUG!