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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you sit at home this Memorial Day and do your very best to not overcook the hamburgers. Oh, but you will. You’ll move it around all over the grill, and press the juices out of it and start a grease fire and soon you’ll be left with nothing more than a hockey puck you’ll have to douse in ketchup to mask your wrenching failure. Mmmmm… burned meat. LET’S GO!
BAND OF BROTHERS MARATHON – ALL DAY (SpikeTV) Pay your respects this Memorial Day to those who gave their lives for the country by plopping down on the couch and letting the epic HBO miniseries devastate you. By the time you’re finished with it, you’ll have to come to grips with the fact that your grandpa was killing Nazis and saving the world at 19, while you are 34 and still living at home, and you had a bad day the other day because you realized your iPad isn’t compatible with Flash. Tends to make a man feel inadequate. ANTICIPATION: GUILT!
THE BACHELORETTE – 8PM (ABC) On this two-hour(!) episode, Ali has car trouble during a date. Car trouble? Well, why doesn’t she just do that thing where you stick your leg out in the road and kinda pull your skirt up a bit to attract seedy truck drivers? I’ve never once seen a woman do this on the road, and oh how I wish I stumbled upon it one day. I’d change all your tires for that, and I don’t even know how to change a tire. ANTICIPATION: SEXY!
TRUE BEAUTY – 10PM (CBS) This apparent “Project Runway” knockoff premieres tonight over at Eye. The contestants are asked to craft a signature Vegas look. I got it! On the side of the road, trying to pick up seedy truckers by flashing some leg! You see how everything connects? ANTICIPATION: CHEESY!
DEADLIEST CATCH – 10PM (Discovery Channel) Tonight, one of the boats runs aground. I guess this is a bad thing. But really, there’s nothing THAT bad about a boat running aground. Oh no! We’re on land! And not in the middle of the ocean during a deadly Alaskan typhoon storm! We might be able to walk to the 7-11 and get some pork cracklins! GAHHHHHH! ANTICIPATION: CRABBY!
FOOTLOOSE – 8PM (CMT) It’s the movie that’s done more damage to organized religion than any other. Forget Bill Maher. One look at John Lithgow not letting those poor kids dance, and you too will become a lapsed Baptist. ANTICIPATION: EVERYBODY CUT LOOSE!